A guy I only know on facebook sent another email oohing and awing about my photos. And I’ll let you deduce from the rest of the letter-I-never-sent what’s going on. I am so ridiculously heart broken. I told the guy that’s become one of my best friends goodbye for now because I know now I’m just repulsive to him. It breaks my heart.
Here’s the thing. I kind of cringe when people say my pictures are pretty. They’re -just- pictures. I try not to post ones that make me look ugly.
My friend and I had such a good weekend. So much fun and happiness and heart-to-heart communication. So I asked him (shouldn’t have) what I’d done wrong that he lost interest in me. He said that initially he was so excited about the potential that he didn’t notice the things that would bother him, and, now he does.
He said aesthetics are just a really important part of attraction for him. Things like symmetry and lines. And he just does not find me attractive.
Here’s the thing, I’ve known all along that my face is slightly off-center because I broke my nose so badly when I was a kid. It bothers me too, and I feel bad about it bothering me because it’s nothing I can control. I wish my parents would have taken me to the hospital or something so someone could have set everything straight, but they didn’t, and now I’m stuck this way.
Short of some 30K+ in surgeries to fix it all, there is nothing I can do. So I try not to think about it, but I can’t help but post pictures that hide it. And I try to remind myself that there’s a lot more too me than a stupid crooked face or in imperfect body. Still, when guys look at a few pictures and talk about how pretty I am, it kind of makes me throw up in my mouth, because I know they’re just pictures and I know they don’t show what I really look like. I tell myself a photo can’t really show the real me, either. But when people sense I’m feeling ugly, you know what they say? “Oh but you ARE so gorgeous!”
I have to hand it to my friend for being honest, and it’s not like he said it in a jerky way or anything, he was super reluctant to say anything but I pressed him to know what was wrong so next time I meet a guy like him (if ever) I might have a chance. And you’re probably saying, “A guy like HIM!? You don’t want a guy that shallow!” But how many of your emails mention my looks? Are you going to want to take it all back if you ever see me? I think a lot of guys are more able to look past my busted face, you know, to the stuff that’s actually important, like my body.
I so wanted to believe he could see what IS beautiful in me. It would be so nice if I lived in a world where pretty doesn’t matter. I am tired of waiting. ;-( But I know what does matter in the next world and a big chunk of that is learning to find joy in this one. So I’m trying. Pray for me.
