Bye love.

I am giving up
my unrequitable crush
on romance itself

I watched a movie where two young loves shared their true love’s first kiss. My friend said, “You’re going to love this” and I thought “Yeah right.” It isn’t real. Or maybe it is… just not for someone like me. Not now. I am going to try to take a more practical approach to dating – meeting people for the sake of having company. If romance surprises me, so be it, but I think my chance has passed.

Which breaks my heart and makes me wish I didn’t even have one… but I’ll cry it out, I’ll eat my ice cream. I’ll get over it and get on with life.

Friends & Lovers

I’ve got to clarify right up front: by lover I don’t mean someone I’m having sex with. Not til I’m married. I’m LDS and trying to live that way, you know.

But I’ve got a little predicament.

I have a best friend who is a guy. Yes, he’s the aforementioned guy here. Yes, we see each other from time to time now. No, I didn’t lose him as a friend. Thank goodness. I need a friend like that. But I’m coming to learn he is never, ever going to feel romantically attracted to me. Ever. So I’m trying to let go. I spent months hoping things would change, but they didn’t, or if anything, any potential for that sort of relationship is all but dead now. When we used to go eat lunch/dinner as friends, the server would assume we were together. We went ate lunch together yesterday. The server assumed separate checks. Should I keep waiting for him to love me?

Meanwhile: I also had my first successful second date! By successful I mean mutually interested. He likes me a lot. He kissed my forehead. I kissed his cheek. Hearts-a-pounding, he went in for another but I turned my head a little & kissed him just on the side of his lips then wished him a good night. He is clearly very attracted to me & has asked if he can see me as soon as he’s back from his business trip. The only (possible) problem? He doesn’t call or email me or text me during the week. It’s Friday he’s in love, sort of thing. Should I hang in there and keep waiting for him to want to be my friend?

If there were a way I could put the two of them in a bag, shake them up, and have a guy who wants to be my friend AND my love pop out, that would be perfect. Obviously that won’t happen. Some evil, risky part of me supposes if I were to deny my friend of the friendship he enjoys, he might realize how much he misses me, and realize how much he actually likes me, and maybe he could love me. Another part supposes, probably rather rightly, that I really ought not let this other guy get too romantically involved before he becomes a good friend.

What I want is a real soul mate who will my friend AND my true love. I can certainly be both! Could either of these guys be both to me?

A guy I met on an online dating site said, when I asked what he was passionate about (eharmony is weird that way) that his passion was putting a stop to abuse of women, children, and the elderly.

Nice!

So when we started talking, he asked why I’d gotten divorced, and I told him it was abuse. I asked him what he was doing to end abuse and he said it was a long story he’d tell me later. He didn’t tell me yet. But this morning I had an email from him asking what kinds of things I’d done that made my ex that mad. He said, “Well, I always live by what President David O. McKay said that the only time you ever raise your voice to your wife or kids is to yell “Fire! Get out of the house!”

Cute. But for a guy whose passion is ending abuse, he clearly doesn’t get it This was my reply…

Interesting that you ask what he’d get mad about. You’re looking to stomp out abuse, right? You need to do your research. Honestly I get a little frustrated with the attitude that it was something I’d done to set him off.

But I don’t blame you for not understanding. It took me ten years to figure out it wasn’t about him losing his temper — not at all. In fact he was all the more cruel when he kept a very even tempered demeanor. Abuse is not getting frustrated. Abuse is not raising your voice. It’s not even losing control. This is abuse:

He would control me
by pretending to lose control over himself
over something I’d done/said/been
in order to make me believe
that I was the only one
who could control his behavior
by doing/saying/being
exactly what he wanted.

So, as for the things he claimed to get upset over? Sometimes it was that I’d made the dinner wrong, or didn’t help him the way he wanted. Other times I spent too much on the groceries. Sometimes it was that I simply wasn’t pretty enough, or thin enough. Sometimes (but not for long…) it was that I sang too much. Once it was that I went to the hospital too many times with false labor (that warranted being pushed out onto my mom’s curb, by the way, just a few hours before that baby finally came). Once it was that I was too dang happy about the beautiful morning! Granted, most of these didn’t end in physical violence. He rarely physically hurt me, but he would do whatever it took (even physical violence, as necessary) to _control_ me.

Guess what I did wrong last time he physically hurt me? I flirted too much. With him. On the way home from our Valentine’s Day date. I’d reached over and put my hand on his thigh, and I got slugged, hard, in the arm for it. He knew I’d said I was at my breaking point and that, after all the counseling and therapy, the next time he did something like that, he would lose me. So he knew he was in trouble. So when I said, “WHAT WAS THAT FOR??” (See, yelling after you’ve just been given a dead arm … is that abusive? You tell me.) He looked over and smiled and said, “What was what for?” I said, “YOU JUST HIT MY ARM, HARD!” “No I didn’t. I was just changing gears.”

He denied it over and over again, pretended nothing at all had happened. Didn’t even say “Oh sorry, that must have hurt, but it truly was an accident.” Pretended it was all in my head. When the bruises showed up, he admitted something had happened. Bought me roses. Alternated between stories of it being just an accident and admitting he’d been upset and “lost his temper.” Cried and begged me not to leave. Anyway. I’d go into the details but suffice it to say, he never had any problems “losing his temper” when he was trying to make me stay. I didn’t forgive him immediately this time, which is probably what kept him on good behavior for so long. I really believed that since it’d been more than a month since our last incident, he might have changed. So I gave him another chance and loved him with everything I had left. The very next day he told me, “I had to hit you that night. It’s just the best way to communicate with you.” And at that point I told him to leave.

Does that change your perspective on abuse at all?

Online dating FTL.

Another letter I didn’t send, but I’m going to keep the train of thought in case I need to catch it again:

“Interesting. I don’t know what happened, but whatever it was, you should ask yourself: did it happen more than once? Did you ever promise her it would never happen again, and if so, did you keep that promise? If not, what would keep you from putting someone else through the same thing? I wouldn’t have asked what happened had you not asked first, and now I’m getting a setup instead of an answer.

If I’ve understood you properly, it would seem you’re asking me to tell you up front whether I’m a forgiving person, or a judgmental person, before you say what happened. This way, any potential moral debate is shifted away from what actually happened and toward whether or not I’ll forgive you for it. Sort of like saying, “Mom, will you love me no matter what?” before revealing a nefarious deed — the goal being that she’ll feel bad about punishing you just after she said she loves you, or that if she goes ahead with whatever normal consequence, you can say, “But you said you love me!” The truth is, love and forgiveness and all those good things do not necessarily require a departure from good judgement.

Your answer in itself threw up some red flags, and I have to do what’s best for my kids and me.”

Identifying with the Naked Emperor

A girl like me grows up feeling ugly, though the people around her constantly tell her how beautiful and valuable she is. I couldn’t see it myself, for the longest time I couldn’t see it. Then I decided to drop the beautiful bit and focus on my value. I decided beautiful actually meant something else… something more. And that the more valuable parts of me were my heart, mind, and will. People didn’t have to tell me this story anymore. I believed it, and I was happy. I believed a good person could love me for who I am. Dare I say it? I even started to believe I actually was pretty. I saw the girl in the mirror and thought, “You are beautiful enough, and valuable beyond diamonds.”

And so I went along, happy with myself. Not lifted up above others, no, but proud that I’d finally ‘seen’ the beauty I’d missed all these years. I even blogged about real beauty. And spoke to other women about it. And on I went. The one who debunked my little myth was only being honest and saying what other men dare not tell. He was a friend who loved me for who I am, but I could never love me ‘like that’ because of how I look. I say ‘was a friend’, because I was so hurt I pushed him away. And now I’m alone and emotionally stark naked.

I don’t know what to do.

Broken nose & a broken heart

A guy I only know on facebook sent another email oohing and awing about my photos. And I’ll let you deduce from the rest of the letter-I-never-sent what’s going on. I am so ridiculously heart broken. I told the guy that’s become one of my best friends goodbye for now because I know now I’m just repulsive to him. It breaks my heart.

Here’s the thing. I kind of cringe when people say my pictures are pretty. They’re -just- pictures. I try not to post ones that make me look ugly.

My friend and I had such a good weekend. So much fun and happiness and heart-to-heart communication. So I asked him (shouldn’t have) what I’d done wrong that he lost interest in me. He said that initially he was so excited about the potential that he didn’t notice the things that would bother him, and, now he does.

He said aesthetics are just a really important part of attraction for him. Things like symmetry and lines. And he just does not find me attractive.

Here’s the thing, I’ve known all along that my face is slightly off-center because I broke my nose so badly when I was a kid. It bothers me too, and I feel bad about it bothering me because it’s nothing I can control. I wish my parents would have taken me to the hospital or something so someone could have set everything straight, but they didn’t, and now I’m stuck this way.

Short of some 30K+ in surgeries to fix it all, there is nothing I can do. So I try not to think about it, but I can’t help but post pictures that hide it. And I try to remind myself that there’s a lot more too me than a stupid crooked face or in imperfect body. Still, when guys look at a few pictures and talk about how pretty I am, it kind of makes me throw up in my mouth, because I know they’re just pictures and I know they don’t show what I really look like. I tell myself a photo can’t really show the real me, either. But when people sense I’m feeling ugly, you know what they say? “Oh but you ARE so gorgeous!”

I have to hand it to my friend for being honest, and it’s not like he said it in a jerky way or anything, he was super reluctant to say anything but I pressed him to know what was wrong so next time I meet a guy like him (if ever) I might have a chance. And you’re probably saying, “A guy like HIM!? You don’t want a guy that shallow!” But how many of your emails mention my looks? Are you going to want to take it all back if you ever see me? I think a lot of guys are more able to look past my busted face, you know, to the stuff that’s actually important, like my body.

I so wanted to believe he could see what IS beautiful in me. It would be so nice if I lived in a world where pretty doesn’t matter. I am tired of waiting. ;-( But I know what does matter in the next world and a big chunk of that is learning to find joy in this one. So I’m trying. Pray for me.

a good reason for everything

I took myself to see a movie tonight and was so distracted with my own ridiculous loneliness that I could hardly follow the story. I cried all the way home. I did not want to be 32 years old and alone. And I really don’t know what to do about my loneliness either: I love someone who may or may not love me back. He is a good friend. I feel like I am a good friend to him, too. But I am also IN love with him and the chances of him ever actually being in love with me are next to nothing.

What am I to learn from this? Why would God put me in this situation?

Well, one thing I’ve noticed is that I am still a people pleaser. I am so intent on trying to convince this guy to love me back, I think I’ve practically lost myself. I don’t even know what I want anymore. I know what he wants, and I conform to that. But who am I on my own?

In a way I am very lucky to be in love with a guy who is incapable of loving me back at this point. HE certainly doesn’t conform to what I want… if I had fallen for that type, I’d have codependence! And he doesn’t try to take advantage of me for my silliness. At least not sexual advantage. He’s admitted to feeling guilty about the emotional give/take in our relationship. He gets what he needs from me but he’s careful not to give in to too many of my needs. Or that’s what he says anyway. It’s true: he knows I will drop everything to hang out with him, and he only hangs out with me if he REALLY wants to. (which is a lot actually, lately). But if he were a different guy, or one who would try to take advantage of me, I would be a mess right now, right?

So, I’m thanking the Lord for putting this guy in my life, and praying for my family’s happiness and his.

I got hugged

for the first time by the man I am in love with. Yes, same as before. We’ve been hanging out for months, and tonight, like many nights, we ended up talking for hours. I wanted to kiss him. :-p I held off though. I did touch his back a few times & hope I didn’t make him too uncomfortable. I figured I’d probably already blown it, though, so I asked him for a hug. It wasn’t a big fat hug but it was a hug.

I’m going to cut his hair sometime this week, too.

fallen & can’t get up

Being in love with someone is wonderful. Being in love without them, not so much.

It’s not that he’s unkind at all. Just unresponsive. It’s like he saw me falling for him, caught me, set me standing again with a pat and told me to watch my step. Only I fell again.

He was willing to be a good friend, and a good friend he was, until I blew it and got all relationship-y on him again. But would a good friend have been enough in the long run? I don’t know whether he ever could have loved me. I don’t even know if he would have been good for me in love.

I don’t even know for sure whether he dislikes me at this point. He just doesn’t talk to me like he used to. Maybe he’s just busy, I say. But to be honest with myself that’s most likely not what the deal is.

So I’m asking God, like I have before, for help unfeeling, for help moving on. The only answer I seem to be getting now is to leave him be for a while, and I’m trying, and failing at that too.

How losery can I get?

Healthy Love vs Addictive Love

I need to refer to this paper from ISAT often and often as not can’t seem to find it. So I hope they won’t mind me typing it here for my reference.

1. Healthy love develops after we feel secure. Addictive love tries to create love even though we feel frightened and insecure.

2. Healthy love comes from feeling full — we overflow with love. Addictive love is always trying to fill our inner voice.

3. Healthy love begins with loving ourselves, being the lover we think we need. Addictive love tries to avoid looking at ourselves and always seeks to get love from that “special someone.”

4. Healthy love is based on our ability to love and trust ourselves and hence, others. Addictive love seeks sex and romance outside. This is precisely because we feel empty inside and don’t trust ourselves or others.

5. Healthy love allows us to be vulnerable because we feel secure inside. Addictive love is based on a shaky foundation. We feel we must protect ourselves.

6. Healthy love grows slowly like a tree. Addictive love grows fast like magic.

7. Healthy love thrives on time alone as well as time with our partner. Addictive love is frightened of being alone.

8. Healthy love teaches me to value my own company. Addictive love makes me feel uncomfortable with myself and in need of someone else.

9. Healthy love is gentle and comfortable. Addictive love is tense and combative.

10. Healthy love flows out. Addictive love caves in.

11. Healthy love creates a deeper sense of self the longer we are in love. Addictive love creates a loss of self the longer we are together.

12. Healthy love gets easier as time goes on. Addictive love requires more effort as time goes on.

13. Healthy love is like rowing across a gentle lake. Addictive love is like being swept away down a raging river.

14. Healthy love is satisfied with the partner we have. Addictive love is always looking for more or better.

15. Healthy love teaches us that we can only make ourselves happy. Addictive love expects the other person to make us happy and demands we try and make them happy.

16. Healthy love creates life. Addictive love creates melodrama.

Melodrama. Good grief, that’s what I have been creating. I need to spas down and let my friend be “just a friend” when he wants to, if he ever wants to again. In the meantime I’ve got three dates scheduled with 3 different guys in the next few weeks. I don’t think I’m gonna be able to let go of my feelings for the other guy so fast, but I’m going to try to keep these items in mind anyway.

And yeah, this is one of those times when I’m really glad I tried everything I could to save my marriage. Dating again at 30+ is really hard.